Grasping at Straws
by Kurtis Krad
Summary: //'My life's just like a muggle soap opera.'// Spurned by James, Sirius seeks comfort from Remus, not realising the other boy's feelings. Is Remus just a substitute, or something more? (AU SB/RL)
1. Chapter One

**Warnings:** Right, let's make this nice and simple for all the people out there who tend not to _read_ warnings: SLASH is contained within this here fic, which means MALE/MALE relationships. Don't like that kind of thing? Then push off and don't make us ANGRY.

**Disclaimer:** Whilst we solemnly swear we are up to no good with these characters, we'll give them back to Ms Rowling when we're done.

**Notes:** This takes place in an AU, meaning none of this actually happened in HP canon. Come on, did you honestly think it _would_?

**Pairings:** S/R, one sided S/J and J/L.

The rain hammered down outside the castle, falling in sheets as it pummelled against the stone walls and windows, creating a roar that people had to almost shout to be heard over, despite the stone's thickness. Lightening rent the sky, and thunder growled low and ominous on the horizon, as inside the great hall, the students of Hogwarts enjoyed their dinner.

…Well, _most_ students.

"It's awful out there," Remus commented, waving a forkful of mashed potato towards one of the windows that lined the room, "You wouldn't believe it's nearly summer."

Sirius, who was sitting next to him, gave a non-committal grunt and hastily swallowed his own mouthful of food. Putting his knife and fork neatly on his plate, he gave a contented sigh. "Perfect weather for managing mischief," He commented, grinning across the table at James, who was staring thoughtfully into his goblet of pumpkin juice, "Nobody can escape us."

James glanced up, his expression sour, "Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Padfoot that thanks to his amazing genius, they _can't_ manage any mischief, because they have a detention tomorrow evening." He scowled and shoved his goblet to one side, "He would also like to point out that because of this, he's going to have to cancel his date with Lily!"

Sirius shrugged, not looking at all sorry. "So? At least you'll be spending a bit of time with your _friends_ for once. Ever since you discovered Red, we've hardly seen you." His expression darkened slightly, and Remus, sitting next to him, saw his jaw tighten as he bit back a flow of bitter words, that would no doubt have come tumbling out if he'd allowed the sentence to continue.

Sighing as he once again put himself in the line of fire, the werewolf interjected before the conversation could move into uncharted territory. "Sirius is right, James, you _don't_ spend much time with us any more." He said, gently, as Peter nodded quietly in agreement, showing his support, but not wanting to be dragged into yet another argument. "However, we understand that you wish to spend time with her," He sighed and rubbed a hand across his eyes, "It's just this once." He added quietly, kicking Sirius under the table as the other boy opened his mouth, no doubt to pick up where he'd left off with the verbal abuse.

James looked apologetically at Remus, his hazel eyes somewhat sheepish behind his glasses. "You're right, Moony, I _have_ been spending a lot of time with Lily recently."

A snort from Remus' left indicated that Sirius was not likely to be easily placated, and it was only another short, sharp kick to the shins that stopped any attempt he might have been about to launch to restart the argument.

"Will you _please_ stop doing that?" He hissed at Remus, a pained expression crossing his face as he absent-mindedly rubbed the offended bone. His friend grinned apologetically, although his expression changed almost at once to one of unease as he looked at a point just beyond Sirius's head. Turning in his chair, Sirius saw Lily walking towards them, her face set in a small smile as she locked eyes with James.

"Speak of the devil and she will appear." Sirius muttered under his breath, his expression dropping from the smile he had shot Remus to one of icy blankness. The only person to have noticed the change was Remus himself, and he kept quiet, hoping that Sirius would at least not cause any problems.

His fears were allayed, however, when Sirius stood up hastily, nearly knocking over his goblet in his enthusiasm to escape. "There are some things I need to look up in the library." He explained, seeing the concerned look on his friends' faces, and all but fled from the hall.

Remus watched him go, eyes worried as he followed the black haired boy's progress down the aisle towards the doors. Turning back to his friends, he was just in time to catch Lily slipping into the seat next to James. Peter, who was sitting to his left, shot Remus a look of suppressed annoyance that was returned almost equally by the werewolf. When Lily was around, James hardly strung one coherent sentence together when speaking to his friends; his entire attention was devoted to the red-head.

"What's the matter with _him_?" Lily jerked her head in the direction Sirius had fled, and arched an eyebrow at James, "He was in a hurry."

James shrugged, looking puzzled as well, an admirable feat when he couldn't have cared less. "No idea, maybe he just had something important to do." He sighed, and shot a guilty look at his girlfriend. "Umm, Lils, about that date tomorrow evening…" He trailed off when sharp green eyes looked him full in the face, and Lily's expression turned slightly cold. Flushing, James dropped his gaze to the table top. "I…well…that is, _Sirius_ accidentally let off some dungbombs and…well…" He sighed, looking guilty, "Can we move the date to tomorrow morning?  
  
Remus watched the exchange with mild amusement. The only one who could ever make James Potter into a stuttering, apologetic idiot was Lily and, in his opinion, it was nice to have someone able to _control_ James for once. Even Sirius hadn't been able to do that. Smiling slightly, Remus looked across at Peter and jerked his head towards the door of the great hall with the clear meaning that they leave James – who was still apologising profusely – and Lily to their own devices.

Peter nodded, and both boys stood up, Peter giving James a friendly pat on the shoulder. "We've got to be going, Prongs; Remus and I are going to go find Sirius." He grinned and shot Lily a sly glance, "We'll leave you two alone." The look of relief on James's face because he wouldn't have to embarrass himself further in front of his friends, was almost priceless, and Remus found himself half wishing he could stay, if only to see what Lily was going to make him do to apologise.

Both boys hurried out of the hall and down the corridor, back towards Gryffindor tower, but halfway there, Peter tugged on the sleeve of Remus's robe, drawing him to one side, out of the main flow of student traffic. "Look, I think it best if you go and find Sirius on your own," The shorter boy said, his round face lit up with concern, "If he really _is_ upset, I don't think he'd appreciate me being there as well."

Remus blinked, confusion showing on his face, "But you're his friend too."

Peter shrugged, slight wistfulness showing on his face, "Yeah, but I'm not his closest friend," He sighed, trying to look cheerful, "It's more 'you three' than 'us four'… he'd just appreciate more if it were you, I think."

Remus, startled by Peter's perceptiveness, shot him a guilty smile. "Now come on Wormtail, you know that's not true...but, you're right, Sirius might appreciate it more if there's only one of us there. He's never enjoyed an audience when he's wallowing in misery." A sense of relief shot through him when Peter laughed and nodded in agreement, obviously glad that he wouldn't have to be the one to deal with Sirius in a temper. "You can come if you want…" Remus added, pretending to sound hopeful, as though he were scared for his very life.

Peter mock-grimaced, "And face Padfoot in a temper? No thanks."

And with that, he left the dubious honour to Remus.

********

Sirius was currently sitting in the library, curled up in one of the window seats, pretending to read.

He'd fled there after Lily had approached the table, knowing full well it was the last place any of his friends would think to look for him. He needed, he had decided, time alone - to sort out his thoughts. And despite the fact that he'd never been one for an easy challenge, it was turning out to be practically impossible. 

He'd never been jealous before, not even when James had gone out with…what was her name? He frowned, rubbing his forehead to try and ease the headache he could feel building behind his eyes. Emma, yes that was her name. But then _Lily_ had come along and everything had changed, it was no longer Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, it was Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Mr and Mrs Potter. He scowled and snapped the book shut, giving up on any pretence of reading. It wasn't that he _disliked_ Lily. On the whole the girl had been very patient towards him and his attitude, but it was the fact that it was _her_ instead of _him_.

Sirius briefly wondered how pathetic his inner thoughts would sound to an outsider, and came to the not so comforting conclusion that they were worse than a muggle soap opera. Didn't this sort of thing happen all the time in those? Best friend falls hopelessly in love with another woman, completely ignoring what was right in front of him, until at the dramatic climax, it all comes out, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Like there was a chance of _that_ happening. 

He hadn't wanted to admit it, even to himself, but when he'd started to lose sleep because he knew something was fundamentally _wrong_ with his life, he'd tried to come up with an answer as to why he was feeling odd. It had come as no little surprise when he'd begun to notice that whenever James grinned at him, he felt warm inside, or that his knees went weak. It was so cheesy, so corny, so un-Sirius that at first he thought he'd been wrong. And then, it had hit him.

He was in love with James Potter.

Ever since then, he'd been struggling to hide his feelings, knowing full well that his love was unrequited and was likely to stay that way. '_Why is it that, that which you want the most, you can never have?'_ he thought miserably. But misery had never been Sirius's strong point; he hated wallowing in self pity and despised those who indulged in it. Shaking himself out of his mood, he stood up, stretching, and winced as the stiff muscles in his back protested loudly. 

"Sirius?"

The quiet voice broke the stillness of the library and Sirius jumped, his hand halfway to the nearest shelf as he searched for another book.

"Moony? That you?" He peered down the gradually darkening aisle and spotted a flash of hair and the concerned look of golden eyes. _'Oh gods don't ask me what's wrong,'_ he thought desperately, knowing full well why his friend had sought him out, _'I'm not ready to answer that kind of question_.' 

Remus, apparently ignoring all mental pleading, moved closer. "What's wrong?"

Forcing a grin that would have looked better on a corpse, Sirius attempted to imitate his earlier, happy mood. "Nothing! What on earth would be wrong with me, Moony my lad?" '_Idiot, don't sound **so** happy or he'll **know** you're faking it!'_ Sirius cleared his throat, his expression dropping slightly as he glanced sideways, avoiding Remus' eyes in favour of looking at the bookshelf. "Um…so," He began, unsure what to say, "Where is everyone?"

If Remus knew he was deliberately changing the subject, he didn't show it. "Peter's gone back to the common room to study and James is apologising to Lily." He gave a small smile and Sirius, startled, returned the favour. "Guess it's just you and me, Padfoot." He sighed and sat down in the window seat Sirius had just vacated, "I'm not promising to provide endless entertainment, though…" He trailed off as he caught sight of the closed book his friend had apparently been reading. "Shakespeare?" One eyebrow rose in surprise, "I thought you didn't hold with 'all that muggle nonsense'?"  

Sirius coughed, looking slightly embarrassed as he continued to scan the shelves. "Yeah, well, Mrs Potter got me hooked on his damn plays when I was a kid." He half smiled, turning to face the surprised werewolf, "It was the only escape I had from…things."

Remus was shocked. Sirius had never opened up this much to his friends before, and certainly not to _him_. He rarely spoke of his childhood and family life, and whenever the subject had come up in general conversation, Sirius had always declined to comment. He was also more than a little surprised that Sirius, proud, brash, noisy Sirius, would sit quietly and read a book written by a _muggle_. Muggles, his friend had always claimed, had no idea about true wizardry. They fumbled along, and only rarely should one of them be classified as a true genius. According to Sirius, most of their writing was not as powerful as that of one of the magical folk, and he very rarely took the time or effort to read something written by a non magical person.

"Oh don't look so surprised." Sirius's cheerful voice cut through his thoughts, ending his inner reverie. "I'm not as stupid as both you and Pete tend to think."

"Mm." Remus murmured, his tone non-committal as he wondered what had provoked this sudden insight into his friend.

Sirius studied him for a moment, wondering what he was thinking about so deeply, little realising that it was him. Having tired of the silence, he poked Remus's arm, causing the smaller boy to jump. "Knut for your thoughts?"

Remus cleared his throat, turning his head to look out of the window. "I was just thinking, Padfoot, that you've been cooped up too long if you're reduced to reading – as you so often eloquently put it – 'muggle rubbish'. Perhaps we should go down to Hogsmeade?" He grinned up at the dark haired boy, feeling an odd flutter in his stomach as the grey eyes lit up in anticipation of mischief. "I'll even buy you the first round of butterbeers in the Three Broomsticks." He added temptingly.

Not that Sirius _needed_ tempting.

"Moony, you're a genius! A night out's exactly what I need." Sirius beamed and hauled his friend to his feet before they hurried out of the library and back to the common room to grab their cloaks. "I haven't had fun in _ages_, what with you and Peter being busy with revision and James…" He trailed off and shrugged, being careful to hide his sour expression from his friend, before he brightened up again, grabbing his cloak and tossing Remus his. "Come on, before someone catches us."

"Marauders Map?" Remus reminded him as both he and Sirius clambered back out of the portrait hole.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "James has it, and I don't want to bother him. Besides, we can do without it," He smirked, looking far more like his old self than he had in longer than Remus liked to think, "We're two criminal geniuses."

"I'd hardly call us that." Remus demurred as they slipped down a corridor, moving like wraiths through the rapidly darkening gloom.

"I would, Moony my friend," Sirius threw an arm around his companion's shoulder, "I would."

********

"You're not buying him _another_ one, are you?" Rosmerta shot Remus a dubious look from behind the bar, even as she filled another tankard with foaming Butterbeer. "He's well on his way towards drunk already; he doesn't need any more help." Her dark eyes worried, she jerked her head at Sirius, who was sitting cheerfully in a corner, eyeing the other customers with unusual interest.

Remus shot her a wan smile. "The lord demanded another drink, so that's what he's getting." Truth be told, he didn't care how many drinks Sirius had. In fact, the more the better, because the more inebriated Sirius became, the more he seemed to open up to his friend. And the more he opened up, the more Remus began to see a side to him that not many other people did. _'And that,'_ he thought with a certain amount of satisfaction, _'might help me to find out what exactly has been wrong with him these past few months._' Picking up the two tankards and nodding his thanks to Rosmerta, he hurried back to his friend.

"By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes." **(1)** Half lidded silver eyes observed Remus's progress back to the table as Sirius lounged back in his chair, black hair shining in the light of the fire, his features sharply highlighted by the flickering light.

"Not wicked, just thirsty." Remus corrected him, seating himself opposite. "Mind you, we're rapidly running out of money. Honestly Padfoot, you should have warned me that you were going to be doing some heavy drinking - I would have brought more cash." He smiled to show he was joking and watched as Sirius wrinkled his nose, looking half disbelieving and half surprised.

"Didn't _plan_ to drink this much." He admitted solemnly, picking up his own tankard and taking a long swallow. "Didn't plan on anything." He frowned and nibbled his lower lip, looking thoughtful. "'S odd that, I didn't plan on any of the stuff that has happened in my life happening. Seems like we have no damn control over anything. Not our lives, not our minds, not our bodies and not our hearts." He stared hard into his cup, as though it held all the answers to his life. "'S very odd."  
  
From this, Remus concluded, Sirius was a philosophical drunk, and he was also beginning to get nearer to the real problem behind his sullen moods.

"An'…" Sirius was saying, now idly tracing patterns on the tabletop, "An' damn it, that Shakespeare fellow had it about right. 'All the world's a stage and all the men and woman merely players. They have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts.'" He heaved a sigh and looked up at Remus, his face still holding a strange almost fey expression. "That's all of us. We always _pretend_, don't you see? We always hide what we're feeling and say the opposite to what we think."

Remus stared at him, shocked by this insightful comment. Half of him was mildly impressed by the display Sirius was putting on, and the other half was wondering how the _hell_ his friend managed to remember complicated Shakespeare when he was more than halfway towards being smashed. Eventually, he settled on a safe, tame reply. "I think you've had enough to drink." He said, cheerfully, and stood up, walking around to the other side of the table and kneeling in front of Sirius so he was face to face with him. "Come on Padfoot, pop that down and we'll get you home and into bed." 

He tried to take the tankard from Sirius who – though he was a philosophical drunk, was not an obliging one – promptly clung onto its handle tighter. "Ah c'mon Remmy, let me just finish this one." His eyes widened, giving him and innocent, childish look that, had he not known better, would have had Remus giving him anything he wanted.

"No, no more. Home. Now." He tried to tug the tankard again.

Sirius shook his head stubbornly and clung harder to the mug, inducing what could only have been called a tug of war. 

"Give me that drink!" Remus snarled, losing his patience.

Sirius shook his head again, clutching it to his chest. "No! Mine!" He blinked, looking suddenly solemn, "It's not like I get drunk often, just let me this once, please?"  
  
"No!" Remus tugged at the tankard one last time, but Sirius, tugging in the opposite direction, was stronger. The drink flew out of both of their hands and fell onto the floor, causing a puddle to form under the table. At the same time, Remus, thrown off balance, fell awkwardly forward, only to be caught by Sirius' quick hands as they came up to grasp the backs of his elbows, steadying him.  
  


"Thanks." Remus went to get up, but found he couldn't move as the clever, capable hands of his friend held him locked in place. "Uh…Padfoot? I need to get up." He prodded gently, unwilling to remain in close contact with Sirius for an overlong period of time.

"'Soft you now! The fair Ophelia!'" Sirius murmured suddenly, his gaze roving over his friend's features before locking with Remus's. His eyes, the werewolf thought, suddenly feeling giddy, were like pools of molten silver as they continued to scrutinise his face with a sudden, fierce interest and – he was more than a little shocked to see – sobriety. "'Nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered,'" Sirius continued, before giving a small, half smile that spoke of the gentleness that usually lurked beneath his boisterous exterior.

Letting out a soft sigh, he leant forwards suddenly, and gently kissed an astonished Remus.

_To Be Continued…_   

**(1)** Macbeth – Act IV, scene 1.  
  
  



	2. Chapter Two

**Grasping at Straws** - Chapter Two   
~ ~ ~ ~ 

Remus' eyes blinked open, and immediately snapped shut again as he found himself amidst the blinding morning sun. Groaning, he stiffly turned his back on the light and found that the small shift in position had released crashing waves of numb pain at his temples. 

Remembering it was only Saturday, the werewolf boy simply refused to drag himself out of bed, and lay serenely for another few minutes in this ethereal bliss. His mind absently wandered to random pieces of homework he'd have to complete before Monday and that revision session he promised to Peter. Grinning inwardly, he felt somewhat sorry for Sirius - abandoned by friends for upcoming NEWT exams. Knowing the raven-haired boy, he'd evade any attempt at being drawn into studying, and instead spend his time complaining about how bored he was. But that was his nature - to cause mischief, roam the mysterious hallways of the ancient Hogwarts School and simply do as he pleased. The gravity of exams never quite seemed to inspire him to work hard at revision, Lupin mused wryly, and yet he had always managed to pass fairly well. 

Thoughts of the ever-enigmatic Sirius Black drove out sudden memories from the back of Remus' mind, jolting him from his half-woken daze. Sitting up in a snap, the boy stared at his tangled bed sheets clenched between his trembling fists. The events of the night before all came back to him at once- how he had coaxed Sirius to sneak out to Hogsmeade, how they had sat at the bar, drunk and tipsy, and how they had-- 

Horrified at the memory, Remus slapped his forehead with a groan, and promptly collapsed back onto his pillow. 

_We kissed_, he thought incredulously. His cheeks flamed up at the thought, and the thumping of his heart drummed louder and louder in his ears, until he feared it might wake the others. _We kissed..._

His fingers traveled up to his lips, tracing the soft skin where Sirius' mouth had met his. Try as he might, he could not recall how his friend had tasted, yet his distinctive scent was left on his skin and hair. 

_Did that really happen? _Remus thought numbly, staring at the familiar red canopy above him. He shuddered pleasantly at the memory. 

Yet what did this mean? What did this mean for their friendship? 

_No no no!_ He chided himself. _He was _drunk_! He didn't know what he was doing._

Yet a small part of the blond boy clung to a hope that this wasn't true. Part of him wound and rewound the memory of the kiss over and over in his head, reminiscing any detail that recurred to him. 

_No no NO! _He thought angrily at himself, smacking his own head several times. _Stop thinking like that! He was DRUNK! It was just a mistake! It was nothing. Forget about it!_

However, he couldn't suppress that delicious chill of excitement that went up his spine. 

Remus was more confused than ever. If only he hadn't taken him to that cursed bar! And yet... he found himself not regretting his actions, after all - leaving him even more confused. 

Before his train of thought could spiral out of hand, a waking groan from bed the next to his - James' - snapped him out of it. Before long, Peter had also reached consciousness, and the three of them had reluctantly but purposefully slumped out of bed, and eventually, down to breakfast. 

--- 

At the Gryffindor table, James, Peter and Remus absently munched on their respective pieces of toast and cereal, while the former two animatedly chatted about the upcoming Quidditch World Cup. Remus followed their conversation attentively with his eyes, but his mind was somewhere else completely. Eventually the subject of conversation turned, and it took several moments for the werewolf to realize James just asked him a question. 

"I asked you what you were planning on doing today," he repeated, amused. 

"Oh... uh," Lupin shrugged. "I think Pete and I were just going to hit the books - y'know, start on revision for the NEWTs." 

"Oh," James looked genuinely disappointed. "Well, if you're busy..." 

"Weren't you going to go out with Lily today, anyway?" 

"Well, yes... I haven't spent a lot of time with you guys lately though, and I thought we could do something together for a change," he admitted, then gave a wry smile. "I would've asked Sirius, but you know how he eats anyone alive who wakes him on a weekend morning." 

Remus and Peter nodded knowingly, exchanging grins. 

"And I'm meeting Lils in ten minutes," James added, glancing at his watch. 

"Go on then, Romeo," Peter's grin widened. "Don't get held up on our account!" 

--- 

By early afternoon, Remus had forced himself to dismiss the kiss he and Sirius had shared as a mad, drunken act, and buried himself in Potions theory with Peter. Yet, every so often the blond found his thoughts wandering, and found it hard to repress the excited thumping of his heart which accompanied them. 

They were in the midst of reciting the ingredients for a particularly complicated concoction, when a just-woken Sirius Black descended the stairs from the boys' chambers to the Gryffindor Common room. He was dressed in a loose shirt and jeans, yet in a way that suggested that Sirius hadn't actually paid attention to what he was wearing. One of the shirt buttons had been pulled through the wrong hole, and his jeans had several grass stains flecked around the knees and shins. His hair stuck out in unruly directions, and wildly framed his dazed face. He also needed a shave. 

"Morning," he mumbled, lifting his right hand in greeting. 

Remus merely nodded mutely at him, not meeting his eyes. Making a show of being engrossed in a formula of some kind, he hoped the burning of his cheeks didn't give him away, and sank a little lower in his seat. 

"It's 2 o'clock - it's barely morning anymore," Peter grinned wryly and watched the long-haired animagus run his fingers through his unkempt locks, wincing as he did so. 

"_Bad_ hangover," he moaned, and slumped into a chair next to Remus. 

Peter chuckled appreciatively, "Where were you last night, anyway? James and I were waiting until about two in the morning for you guys to finally show up!" 

Sirius rested a hand over his pained eyes and groaned, "I don't even remember how we got home!" 

Remus grimaced, daring a look at Sirius, "You don't remember?!" An amused smile played on his lips, "You were singing like a mad-man, when I had to carry you out of that bar on my shoulders. At first you just outright refused leaving, then magically glued yourself to your chair! Once I got rid of _that_ charm, you accidentally released a curse that made all glass within a two meter radius explode. Thankfully you fell asleep before we reached Hogwarts, otherwise you'd 've just caused more damage for me to clean up - not to mention a month's worth of detention!" 

In response, Padfoot simply muttered something unintelligible, causing Remus to shake his head, grinning in spite of himself. 

After a moment, Sirius slowly took his hand from his eyes, and blinked at his grinning friends, "I think I need a shower. If you'll excuse me..." With that, he dragged himself away again, leaving behind two very bemused boys. 

However, Remus' smile fell away as soon as Sirius had his back turned, and was replaced by a subtle frown. Did he even remember what happened? If he did, he had given no implications. 

The werewolf sighed inwardly, not knowing whether to be relieved or disappointed. Turning his attention back to the scrolls sprawled over his lap, he missed the quizzical look Peter shot him. 

--- 

"I'm bored." 

"Yes we know." 

"Can't we do something more fun? I know! How 'bout we--" 

"_No_, Sirius!" Peter cut in tersely, his patience thinning. "For the last time: If you don't want to study with us - fine. But either find something else to do, or _shut up_!" 

Sirius wasn't taken aback in the slightest, and plastered on an infuriatingly wide grin, "I think you need a break, buddy ol' pal." He slung an arm round Wormtail's shoulders, and held up strands of mousy-blond hair up to the light, shaking his head mockingly, "Grey hairs already. Tsk tsk. That's what stress does to you--" 

Peter abruptly snapped his book close with a force that made both Remus and Sirius jump, and shot up from his chair. "I'm going to the library," he managed gruffly, collected his books and scrolls with a swift movement of his wand, and stalked out of the common room. 

Momentarily shocked at the other boy's sudden exit, Remus turned towards the equally stunned Sirius, "I think you went a little far this time." 

Padfoot shrugged disinterestedly, and toyed with a strand of hair between his fingers. 

The Gryffindor common room at this time of day was fairly empty. Beside Sirius and Remus, only three other students lounged in the comfortable seats by the fire place; two third years mumbling amongst each other and a lone fifth year reading a novel in the corner. The two Marauders sat at the other end of the room by an open window, scrolls, books and writing equipment sprawled at their feet and on their laps. All of it belonged solely to Lupin now that Peter had left. 

Remus had focused his eyes back onto a passage from a book he was reading, but found his concentration fracturing with the dawning realization that he and Sirius were finally alone. After five minutes of trying to take in the same sentence, he gave up and looked up at his unusually silent friend, whom he found was staring at him. 

A little flustered, Remus braved to ask what was wrong. His friend's serious demeanor was slightly unsettling, and reminded him of that short, sobering moment from last night. 

"Listen," Sirius started, his tone equally earnest, "I don't remember all that much about last night after we-- after we kissed." The blond looked away slightly, embarrassed rather than anything else. "Whatever happened - sorry. I didn't mean to get so out of hand yesterday. Just forget about it, 'kay?" 

Remus forced himself to look Sirius in the eyes again. He ignored the twinge of black disappointment that gnawed at him, and smiled warmly, "Don't worry! I didn't think anything of it, anyway." 

_Liar liar liar._

With that same smile plastered awkwardly on his face, he watched a wave of relief wash over Sirius' features, and turned his attention back to his book. Staring at rather that reading the passages, he convinced himself that the raging regret he felt was simply nothing. 

--- 

As the weeks rolled past, the incident between them was soon forgotten, as other troubles filled the Marauder's minds. With NEWTs drawing ever closer, all but Sirius had started proper revision. James' engrossment in studies and Lily ate up most of his time and it soon began to take its toll on his friendship with Sirius, who grew more and more irate as time went on. He tried to mask his irritation with bad jokes whenever Lily joined them at the dinner table or outside, but increasingly failed to do so. Instead he'd vent off his anger at James Potter, who had an equally flaring temper. 

One of these evenings was a Wednesday three weeks later. The Marauders and Lily were sitting at the Gryffindor table eating supper when a friendly discussion about the types of Butterbeers turned into a tense argument between James and Sirius. 

From time to time, Remus would try to intervene, but was inevitably shouted down until he simply gave up. Occasionally, he and Peter would exchange awkward glances before hurriedly returning their fascinated gazes to the tabletop. Lily, looking extremely embarrassed, played with her food and tried to fade into the background. 

Eventually it ended with the long-haired boy furiously storming out of the hall and James glaring after him. 

"What the fuck is up with that guy?" he fumed. "Lately, whenever I see him he just snaps at me or makes snide comments!" Peter shrugged and made no comment. 

"He's probably just stressed with exams and all coming up..." Remus attempted weakly. 

James snorted, pulling a sour expression, "Sirius cares less about exams and school than he does about Snape!" 

Remus shrugged impassively and pushed his plate away. Looking shifty, he made a quick excuse of trying to find Sirius, and hurried out of the hall. Spending a half-hearted hour on his search, he gave up and retired to the common room with a leather bound muggle book. 

Half-way through the second chapter, Sirius' long hair tickled the crook of his neck as he lent over Remus' shoulder to see what he was reading, their cheeks brushing as he peered at the page. 

"Whatchya readin'?" Sirius' voice was light and casual 

The blond boy shifted uncomfortably in the chair and mumbled something about a report for muggle studies. Sirius grimaced, "Muggle books? How boring! Don't tell me, it's all about drinking tea and the joys of pig farming, right?" 

Remus carefully marked his place in the book and shut it, "Actually, no. It's a muggle fantasy book called 'Luck in the Shadows', although their concept of wizardry is rather weird." He shot Sirius a crooked grin and placed the book to one side. "At least I don't read Shakespeare."

Sirius scowled, "Hey, he's not _that_ bad!"

Amused, Lupin shook his head and changed the subject, "Where were you the past hour? I was looking for you, and you weren't on the map." 

"Oh," he shrugged and sat down. "Just took a walk. Where's James?"  
  
The blond noted the decidedly calm expression on his friend's face, "He's out with Lily somewhere." 

"Now there's a surprise," Sirius snorted. "All he ever does nowadays is cling to that girl of his. It's like _we_ don't even exist! It's always 'Lily Lily Lily'! As if I haven't already-- But don't get me wrong," he interjected quickly. "I _like_ the girl. It's just...just..." He was at a loss for words, and pointedly looked at the other boy, as if it could explain everything. 

"I know what you mean," Remus sighed. "He hasn't spent a lot of time with us recently. But I don't blame him - juggling NEWTs, being head boy, having a girlfriend and all that..." 

"I suppose you're right," he admitted admissibly. "It's just... It's our last year here, and we might never see each other again! You and James and Peter - you'll all go to uni - London or Cambridge or something. And didn't Pete say something about going to France for a year? James might even try to become an auror. If he does, he'll have even less time and be travelling all over the country. And me? I'm not cut out for that stuff. Not for any of it - not uni, not school, not NEWTs." He gave an exasperated sigh and ran frustrated fingers through his dark hair. 

"For never revising or paying attention in class, you do pretty well," Remus chuckled. "If you were to actually put any effort into it, you'd easily get accepted anywhere." 

"Yeah, but I don't want to go to uni," Sirius grumbled stubbornly. "I want to go out into the world and do something _interesting_ for a change. I don't want to be told what to do all the time - even though I never do it anyway. I just want to... get away from all this stress and the responsibilities... and I wish you guys would come with me." He sighed, and slumped resignedly in his chair, "But that's unrealistic, and it'll never happen." 

The blond pondered this for an instant, then spoke. "Padfoot, have you ever thought of becoming a free-lance journalist?" 

Sirius stared at him bug-eyed for a moment, and slowly sat up again. "Free-lance journalist..." He spoke the words as if they were completely new and foreign to him. He quickly ran through the possibilities: He was fairly good at writing if the subject interested him, and he'd be able to travel - earn good money, too... 

A small, hopeful smile played on his lips, "I'll look into it." 

Remus felt relief wash over him, "And I promise you - we'll keep in touch. We could meet up from time to time, and contact each other through mail. And knowing us lot, we'll be reminiscing together about the good ol' days when we're old and grey, and complain about how things _used _to be in our day!" 

Sirius grinned warmly at his friend, and for that moment, at least, he felt as if nothing they'd ever face could defeat the friendship the four of them shared. 

--- 

The conversation between Sirius and Remus continued well into the night, ranging from muggle perception of wizards and witches, to holidays and the favorite color shirt they liked to wear. Even though it was a school night, neither had the heart to break the bubble of comfort and familiarity that had grown around them over the hours, and by the time the string of conversation had slowed, it was already close to midnight. 

Sirius yawned contentedly beside Remus, and mumbled something about going to sleep. His chin had already dropped to his chest and a soft snoring sound emanated from the dark haired boy. 

The blond smiled to himself and let his gaze wander over his friend's fine-featured face, wild and satiny hair, and the vague tone of muscles through his uniform. He resisted the urge to touch him - just to see what his cheek felt like and, realizing his own thoughts, forced himself to look away. 

_I'm just tired_, he thought wearily. _I should get to bed._

He was about to wake Sirius again, when his black haired friend mumbled something unintelligible, swayed to the side, and rested his head on Lupin's shoulder. 

Remus stiffened. He could feel Padfoot's calm heartbeat next to him, and the faint, unmistakable scent that was Sirius drifted into his nostrils. The blond, hoping to calm the violent thumping of his heart and fight the sudden impulse to touch Sirius' face - even only for a lingering moment - released the breath he hadn't realized he was holding. 

Looking at him, the werewolf found a peaceful smile on his friend's lips, and didn't have the heart to wake him from whatever pleasant dreams he was having. Instead, he gently lifted the other boy's head, awkwardly got up, and settled him down again against a pillow. He pulled out his wand and muttered a quick spell, watching as little green sparks covered Sirius, from shoulder to toe, and solidified into a warm blanket.  Lingering for a moment, he watched the fire's light playing on Sirius' features, then swiftly turned away and up to his bed chamber.


End file.
